This is something I wrote during the wee hours of the morning at that forsaken guard tower in Jurong Island. It took me a long time to decide whether to blog it because of the intimacy of the text. But it’s been on my mind for quite some time so getting it off my chest will do me some good. In a way it’s a summary of the past few months.
And so, my clubbing days are at an end. When did it start? The end of last year I think. I remember testing the water at China Black. Going every week without fail. What was it about really? Alcohol? No, I’m kinda allergic. Music? Definitely not. I’d always detested R&B/house/trance/techno until that point in time. Making friends? Ha. The friends I made there were as sincere as contestants on Singapore Idol. Backstabbing, conniving people. Chicks? Absolutely. Who am I kidding? Clubbing was where you go to check and be checked out. Any guy who can say that he goes clubbing not for the girls is either lying or gay.
On the dance floor, all chains are unshackled. Suddenly promiscuity is rife. I cannot fathom how big a change a person can undergo when you’re half drunk. Sexual tension if high and intentions are so naked you don’t need to have high EQ to know what’s going on.
A lot of guys go in hopes of getting laid. I should know 
That’s alright. It’s evolutionary programming. What I cannot even begin to understand is why girls give you false signals. An inviting look. A revealing outfit. And for the ultimate killer blow, a seductive sway of the hips. And then they have the cheek to give you the ‘get away you creep’ look whenever someone approaches. Come on, guys are simple mechanisms. Don’t confuse us. Is the light green or red? Girls, just what do you want? List of adjectives: frustrating, paradoxical, complex, bitter.
What I realized is that clubbing is really not the place to meet girls. Not my type of girls anyway. Those girls there are a cute bunch. They like to act all open-minded and Western but when it’s crunch time, they conform to social expectations. They feel like, and think about rebelling but they don’t have the guts to carry it through. So just for one night they can be bad ass without consequence.
Just because you’re at a club, you think the whole world revolves around you? GO AWAY. I’m sick and tired of you.
Anyway, this stint in clubbing has left me feeling cheap. Anyone who thinks that guys have nothing to lose ought to be slapped. You want to talk about sexism? That’s sexism for you. Men can have respect for their bodies too. But I digress. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I don’t think I can ever sleep around and feel good about it. There are just some values inside you that you can never overwrite, no matter how much you’ve forgotten. They are embedded deep within your soul, without you even being conscious of them. They guide your instincts. The gut feeling I was ignoring when I went clubbing was ‘I should be here’.
In the manga Nana, one of the guys was saying,
“You still don’t understand, do you? Unlike girls, guys can sleep with someone they don’t like.”
Am I like that? Hey there Conscience, what do you think?
No. It would take a lot of will power, but given the choice when I’m sober, I would only ever do it with the person I love. It would be much more fulfilling. After all, sex is not just a physical act, it’s an emotional melding of two people.
Ah yes, the complicated moralities of lust and love. I think the most important thing is being honest with yourself. What’s the big deal? To be human is to be sexual. On the other hand, this society promotes hypocrisy. That irks me. If you’re too honest, you’re labeled. Even when everyone has the same biological makeup, they are so pathetic as to have the need to project their guilt onto someone and condemn him. I have learned. You cannot survive in this world without lying. Maybe that’s why sometimes I don’t like to socialize. There’s so much lying and dishonesty.
Maybe I was too tired of being the good guy. You just don’t get rewarded for being nice. I wanted to be the villain for once. Being a bastard sounded fun. But like I said, there are just some core values that you can’t change. Morality is not inculcated, it is in-built. You must have the courage to do what is right.
Throughout all these years, I’ve been saying a lot of ‘tough guy’ things I don’t mean. What’s the point of all that? When did the child die? When was the cynic born? Even as a cynic I was fundamentally optimistic. It’s time to stop playing bad ass. It’s not someone I am. It’s not someone I mean to be. It’s just that you can only take so much shit. Something just snaps.
It’s easier to change yourself than change the world. Be an optimist, and the world will suddenly seem wonderful after all.
[Name] チェン・ユ