Sudden realisation: my obsession with Japan might be due to the promise that such a society might be where my soul could fit in. I definitely am not suitable to live here. On the other hand, this impression is based loosely on whatever small scraps of knowledge I have about the land. I guess I need this fantasy. This myth that a better place might exist for me. Otherwise I’d be shattered. It’s the hope that one day I will find a home. The hope that one day I will be at peace with my environment.

Of course, this mobility is only possible in the modern world. In the past I’d have no reprise. But then again, I’d have stayed in my hometown and have become a very different person. Drizzt is such an endearing character to me because he lived in a society that conflicted with his values. He exiled himself and journeyed forth in search of his homeland. It is a lonely trek. Will I have the same courage for my own sojourn?

Singing. I haven’t been singing for a long time. I remember how good it felt. Not when I was performing. But when I was singing for myself. When I was singing for the sake of singing. Heh. I’m still singing those songs from yesteryear, those boy band days. They’re the only songs I know by heart. I’ve become a boring old man!

It’s hard to be an idealist in a practical world. Sometimes I admire Detty. How does he manage to retain his stubborn beliefs, his absolutist ideals? It’s great to see his ideals remain unshaken whereas mine have begun to crumble. I’m disgusted at myself. Perhaps in my jealousy, I sought to destroy that innocence. How does he hang on like that?

We should never seek to dull the gleam in a child’s eyes. Hey Detty, don’t ever stop being that way. In you lies not only does hope, but my salvation as well.