ホームシック

时常都在想
何时才会遇到一位能让我心动的女生
但是，问题不在这吧？
应该是要问自己
到时候能让心爱的女生心动吗？

This is something I wrote during the wee hours of the morning at that forsaken guard tower in Jurong Island. It took me a long time to decide whether to blog it because of the intimacy of the text. But it’s been on my mind for quite some time so getting it off my chest will do me some good. In a way it’s a summary of the past few months.

And so, my clubbing days are at an end. When did it start? The end of last year I think. I remember testing the water at China Black. Going every week without fail. What was it about really? Alcohol? No, I’m kinda allergic. Music? Definitely not. I’d always detested R&B/house/trance/techno until that point in time. Making friends? Ha. The friends I made there were as sincere as contestants on Singapore Idol. Backstabbing, conniving people. Chicks? Absolutely. Who am I kidding? Clubbing was where you go to check and be checked out. Any guy who can say that he goes clubbing not for the girls is either lying or gay.

On the dance floor, all chains are unshackled. Suddenly promiscuity is rife. I cannot fathom how big a change a person can undergo when you’re half drunk. Sexual tension if high and intentions are so naked you don’t need to have high EQ to know what’s going on.

A lot of guys go in hopes of getting laid. I should know That’s alright. It’s evolutionary programming. What I cannot even begin to understand is why girls give you false signals. An inviting look. A revealing outfit. And for the ultimate killer blow, a seductive sway of the hips. And then they have the cheek to give you the ‘get away you creep’ look whenever someone approaches. Come on, guys are simple mechanisms. Don’t confuse us. Is the light green or red? Girls, just what do you want? List of adjectives: frustrating, paradoxical, complex, bitter.

What I realized is that clubbing is really not the place to meet girls. Not my type of girls anyway. Those girls there are a cute bunch. They like to act all open-minded and Western but when it’s crunch time, they conform to social expectations. They feel like, and think about rebelling but they don’t have the guts to carry it through. So just for one night they can be bad ass without consequence.

Just because you’re at a club, you think the whole world revolves around you? GO AWAY. I’m sick and tired of you.

Anyway, this stint in clubbing has left me feeling cheap. Anyone who thinks that guys have nothing to lose ought to be slapped. You want to talk about sexism? That’s sexism for you. Men can have respect for their bodies too. But I digress. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I don’t think I can ever sleep around and feel good about it. There are just some values inside you that you can never overwrite, no matter how much you’ve forgotten. They are embedded deep within your soul, without you even being conscious of them. They guide your instincts. The gut feeling I was ignoring when I went clubbing was ‘I should be here’.

In the manga Nana, one of the guys was saying,

“You still don’t understand, do you? Unlike girls, guys can sleep with someone they don’t like.”

Am I like that? Hey there Conscience, what do you think?

No. It would take a lot of will power, but given the choice when I’m sober, I would only ever do it with the person I love. It would be much more fulfilling. After all, sex is not just a physical act, it’s an emotional melding of two people.

Ah yes, the complicated moralities of lust and love. I think the most important thing is being honest with yourself. What’s the big deal? To be human is to be sexual. On the other hand, this society promotes hypocrisy. That irks me. If you’re too honest, you’re labeled. Even when everyone has the same biological makeup, they are so pathetic as to have the need to project their guilt onto someone and condemn him. I have learned. You cannot survive in this world without lying. Maybe that’s why sometimes I don’t like to socialize. There’s so much lying and dishonesty.

Maybe I was too tired of being the good guy. You just don’t get rewarded for being nice. I wanted to be the villain for once. Being a bastard sounded fun. But like I said, there are just some core values that you can’t change. Morality is not inculcated, it is in-built. You must have the courage to do what is right.

Throughout all these years, I’ve been saying a lot of ‘tough guy’ things I don’t mean. What’s the point of all that? When did the child die? When was the cynic born? Even as a cynic I was fundamentally optimistic. It’s time to stop playing bad ass. It’s not someone I am. It’s not someone I mean to be. It’s just that you can only take so much shit. Something just snaps.

It’s easier to change yourself than change the world. Be an optimist, and the world will suddenly seem wonderful after all.

Sudden realisation: my obsession with Japan might be due to the promise that such a society might be where my soul could fit in. I definitely am not suitable to live here. On the other hand, this impression is based loosely on whatever small scraps of knowledge I have about the land. I guess I need this fantasy. This myth that a better place might exist for me. Otherwise I’d be shattered. It’s the hope that one day I will find a home. The hope that one day I will be at peace with my environment.

Of course, this mobility is only possible in the modern world. In the past I’d have no reprise. But then again, I’d have stayed in my hometown and have become a very different person. Drizzt is such an endearing character to me because he lived in a society that conflicted with his values. He exiled himself and journeyed forth in search of his homeland. It is a lonely trek. Will I have the same courage for my own sojourn?

Singing. I haven’t been singing for a long time. I remember how good it felt. Not when I was performing. But when I was singing for myself. When I was singing for the sake of singing. Heh. I’m still singing those songs from yesteryear, those boy band days. They’re the only songs I know by heart. I’ve become a boring old man!

It’s hard to be an idealist in a practical world. Sometimes I admire Detty. How does he manage to retain his stubborn beliefs, his absolutist ideals? It’s great to see his ideals remain unshaken whereas mine have begun to crumble. I’m disgusted at myself. Perhaps in my jealousy, I sought to destroy that innocence. How does he hang on like that?

We should never seek to dull the gleam in a child’s eyes. Hey Detty, don’t ever stop being that way. In you lies not only does hope, but my salvation as well.

Thought it was perhaps time to talk about the layout of my blog. I took one of the templates and modified it by using one of my own photographs from my collection. There were a lot of such pictures to chose from. I’m sort of obsessed with pictures of a road that stretches to the horizon. Why? Because life for me is like a constant journey. We’re always moving between places. Of course, the most obvious metaphor is that of life and death – we are born into this world, and we are slowly but surely walking towards our ultimate destiny, death.

Given that, then life is generally absurd and has no meaning, since we have no control over our own destiny. We’re on a boat and we can’t alter its course. And we’re all on the same boat. Sorry, I just had to throw that in! Ok, I’ll be cheap and throw in some Shakespeare I copied from James’ blog too.

“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
-Macbeth

A coincidence that James likes this part too, but I used to worship these few lines. Shakespeare was way ahead of his time.

I’m not a pessimist. Quite the opposite. You see, my thinking is that since the destination is set for us already, why not sit back and enjoy the ride? Who knows what we’ll encounter during our travels? The journey won’t last forever, and soon we’ll be at the last stop. I love being alive. To be able to breathe and taste and feel. It’s a simple pleasure just to live.

I try to be agnostic, but I don’t believe in an afterlife. This life is your one chance. To do everything right. To do things the way you want to. Think of it this way, and it’s hard to take things for granted. I try my best to take nothing for granted. Maybe that’s why sometimes I do weird things like calling primary school friends I haven’t talked to in years.

So, the idea of a life of journeying is one of the reasons why I like the clichéd pictures with roads.

Another reason is the idea of travelling not as merely a physical movement of bodies, but also as a spiritual journey, a metaphysical introspection. Gosh, I can’t believe I still remember all those terms! It’s another lesson from literature that has helped to shape me into what I am today.

What I’m trying to say is, writing is a tool for self discovery. It helps me understand myself better. I always felt better whenever I wrote down my thoughts. The process helps to sort out the ideas and emotions. It just feels natural to pen down my thoughts.

The title of the blog, ホームシック, means “homesick” in Japanese. Because I’m rootless. I was born in China, spent my childhood in England and am now living in Singapore. All this constant change has lent itself to a certain sense of vertigo when it comes to my sense of identity. I’m looking for a place where I feel at home. It might be a place, or it might not. It might be in the arms of a person, or it might not. I haven’t found it yet.

And so, that explains why the layout is an extension of my beliefs.